How To Stop Loving Someone Who Hurt You? (And Broke Your Heart)

Person saying stop

If you want to stop loving somebody that broke your heart, you are so not alone. There’s no button to press that will switch your feelings off after someone hurt you, so please don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re struggling with this.

That doesn’t make your feelings are any less painful, but it can be helpful to remember that it’s totally natural to feel what you are going through.

Thankfully, there are plenty of things that you can do to make the process of getting over somebody easier. In this article, lets look at ten ways to get over someone who hurt you.

10 Tips For Getting Over Someone That Broke Your Heart

1. Acknowledge that it hurts

After a breakup, it’s natural to want to distract yourself with as much socializing as possible. While it can absolutely help to lean on your loved ones in times of pain, don’t deny yourself the opportunity to grieve.

It’s true that sitting with your heartbreak sucks, but the more you try to avoid your emotions, the louder they will have to get to be heard. Make time to welcome the painful feelings; even it means staying in your pajamas and crying for a few days.

By welcoming your difficult emotions, you’ll be able to process them and eventually release them. But if you keep denying they are there, you’ll be carrying heavy baggage with you for the rest of your life.

2. Block their number

After finally getting out of an abusive relationship, my ex-boyfriend would constantly text and message me. One minute he’d be apologizing for hurting me, and the next minute he’d be insulting me or telling me the break up was all my fault.

If your ex doesn’t quit messaging you, just block them. This way, they can’t keep popping up in your life while you’re getting over the breakup. Maybe it will be possible to have a friendship later down the line, but if you’re still feeling any heartache, it is not the time to be connecting.

3. Write a letter to them (and burn it!)

Writing a breakup letter

Cutting contact is essential if you want to stop loving someone that hurt you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t tell them how heartbroken you are.

Take a pen and paper and write down everything you want to say to your ex. Tell them how much they hurt you. Tell them how disappointed and mad you are. Swear if you like!

But don’t send the letter.

Once you’ve written down everything you want to express, you can burn it or tear it into shreds. This way, you get to release some of the hurt without getting in contact. If you want to talk things through with someone who broke your heart, I’d recommend leaving it at least a year.

By then, you’ll have enough distance to say what you need to say without falling into old patterns, and it’s easier to have a difficult conversation without it turning into a shouting match.

(I just want to acknowledge that this step isn’t so simple for people who share children with somebody who hurt them. This is a challenging situation, and only you can know the best way to navigate this.)

4. Get their stuff out of your life

If your exes clothes are in your house, you’re going to be constantly reminded of them. Every time you open your closet, you’ll be hit with another memory or wonder when they will come and pick up their stuff.

You need to take control.

Get all your exes stuff and put it in a bag (a bin bag will do if they hurt you badly!). Then you can either drop it at their place or ask a friend to do it for you. You need to do this as soon as possible so you can clear the physical and emotional baggage out of your personal space.

5. Create clear boundaries

Sometimes our breakups seem to last longer than the relationship!

Once you’ve broken up, you need to set clear boundaries. Don’t answer the phone if they call you late at night, and don’t text them when you’re feeling sad. If you run to them for support every time you think about them, how are you going to learn to stand on your own two feet?

You don’t need to meet for coffee, and you don’t need one last night of closure. You need time and space to heal. If you still have any unresolved business that you want to discuss after several months, you can arrange to meet up for a coffee in a neutral place. (And FYI, your bedroom is definitely not neutral.)

6. Start a new hobby

colors as a hobby

Once you’ve given yourself some time to grieve, it’s time to brush yourself off. There is a fine line between processing your grief and wallowing, so regularly check in with yourself and see where your heart is at.

Once you feel the initial grieving has passed, consider starting a new hobby. Whether that’s a dance class, a cookery course, or volunteering for an organization you admire. This will be a great chance to meet like-minded people and give yourself something new to focus your attention on.

(And no, the aim is not to look for a replacement for your ex. Give yourself a chance to breathe before jumping into another relationship!)

7. Work on your self-esteem

Working on your self-esteem is a critical part of getting over anyone. It will also help you attract people into your life that treat you with the respect you deserve. But you can’t just click your fingers and feel great; it takes time and practice to cultivate a more loving relationship with yourself.

One way to work on your self-esteem is to write a love letter to yourself.

Take some quiet time to write about all the things you value in yourself. Point out your strengths and achievements, and remind yourself how far you’ve come in life. The exercise is beneficial in the moment, and you can also reread the letter every time you have any self-doubts.

8. Get some professional help

Spending time with friends and family is so helpful when your heart is broken. But it can be hard to be totally open about your feelings, especially when your loved ones are busy with their own problems or you don’t want them to worry.

Seeing a therapist or life coach can be extremely beneficial. They will be able to give you practical coping strategies.

Unlike your family, they won’t be too emotionally connected to your suffering, so they are less likely just to tell you what you want to hear. (This is a good thing because they won’t let you get away with self-destructive habits!)

9. Go on a retreat

going on a retreat

Sometimes you just need a change of scene to break out of certain thinking patterns. So if you need space to breathe and a fresh perspective, I highly recommend going on a yoga or meditation retreat.

You don’t have to disappear into a temple for months! A week or two at your local retreat center can powerfully shift your perspective.

(If that doesn’t sound like your kind of thing, a vacation can be really helpful too.)

10. Don’t beat yourself up

Here’s the final piece of advice:

Letting go of people we love isn’t easy. Some people will always have a place in our hearts, and that’s okay.

It isn’t fair to beat yourself up for loving someone, no matter how much they hurt you. The fact that you feel love and compassion for other people is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a beautiful trait that you can be proud of.

So long as you can establish healthy boundaries and protect yourself from harm, there is nothing wrong with loving your ex for the rest of your life. In time, you will learn to love other people as well, and they will all form part of the unique tapestry of experiences that makes you who you are.

Final Thoughts

Heartbreak sucks.

It is totally natural to suffer after someone you love breaks your heart, and it isn’t possible to turn off your feelings just like that. It takes time and patience to build your self-esteem and let your ex go, but it will get easier with every passing day. Just remember that the longer you let the breakup drag out, the longer you have to wait before you can start recovering from the heartache.

I hope you found this article helpful, and I’m sending you love and acceptance as you work through this difficult time.

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About the Author
Rachel Horne is a Freelance Writer and Journalist. When she isn’t writing, she can be found wild camping, forest bathing, or enjoying a spot of yoga in her pyjamas. Rachel lives in France with her husband, Flo, and their rescue dog called Pirate.
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