How much self-esteem advice is out there telling you all the ways to get high self esteem?
Books, podcasts, blogs, posts and even seminars trying to help people get this self esteem we all want.
The truth is that there’s no such thing as high self-esteem. There’s no such thing as low self-esteem. And there’s nothing you can DO to increase your self-esteem.
“Go on…” – you’re now thinking.
The truth is that self-esteem is naturally inside of us. It’s not high or low. It’s how much you’re letting yourself feel it.
And no, you don’t have to DO anything to feel it, or better yet you don’t have to “earn” self-esteem.
Earn it? I know, sounds crazy. But that’s how most people think. That’s why most people don’t fully feel the self-esteem that’s already inside of them.
But why do we think we have to earn it? Let’s find out.
Why do we think we have to do something to earn self esteem?
Remember when you were little and did something good?
You helped your little brother or sister. You washed the dishes. “Good job Sarah!”. You got a good grade in school, or did well at sports. “You’re great Johnny!” You’re so different, unique, and special. “My little Susie is so special!” Right?!?
We feel so significant (special, needed, wanted), and with that we feel the love & connection from people we look up to. We then connect being significant with probably our deepest need of love & connection.
Love is like oxygen for the soul. People who don’t feel love & connection at, at least decent levels, can suffer from a range of issues that affects every part of their lives.
You might be surprised (or maybe not) at how desperate we are to feel love & connection.
Since most people have connected ‘being significant’ with love & connection, it’s no wonder why people will work themselves almost to death to feel significant. People will also put everybody else first and themselves last to feel significant. People will also act so different and weird and bizarre to feel significant.
Feeling love & connection is where you feel the self-esteem that’s already inside of you.
But wait, did we just say that most people will go to great lengths to feel significant to then feel like they’ve EARNED love & connection?
The need (of love & connection) that’s like oxygen for the soul and it DEPENDS ON EXTERNAL FACTORS?! That’s pretty scary.
Allowing yourself to feel self esteem as opposed to doing something to earn self esteem
When we don’t feel the love & connection at good levels, we don’t feel the self-esteem. In other words, we’ve set up this game that we need to DO something in order to feel the self-esteem that’s inside of us.
Everybody’s biggest fear is that we’re not enough and therefore won’t be loved. This is universal, and for good reason too. Feeling love & connection allows us to grow emotionally, and may even be connected to intellectual and physical growth and survival as well.
But what about if the love & connection, and therefore our self-esteem is always there inside of us, and it’s just about allowing ourselves to fully feel it?
See that I said to ALLOW ourselves to feel it, rather than DOING something to earn it.
That’s our natural state. In fact, children naturally feel their self-esteem just by being themselves. Trying to “give” them high self-esteem by complimenting them or praising them for doing well at school actually backfires. That’s the beginning of the conditioning that blocks children and then adults from feeling what they naturally feel.
Fully feeling the self-esteem that’s naturally inside of you is not about doing anything actually. It’s also not about BEING anything.
You know when people say “This is my dream of who I want to BE”? That too is conditioning. Why do you have to “be” someone? To feel self-esteem, right?
What is the secret to feel self esteem?
You know the easiest way to feel your self-esteem? Let go of all the conditioning thinking you have to DO something or BE someone in order to feel good about yourself. Get it?
You don’t need to put everybody first and yourself last in order to feel self-esteem. You don’t need to achieve in order to feel self-esteem.
You don’t need to be so different, unique, and special to feel self-esteem.
You GET to feel self-esteem just by being yourself.
But what if people don’t like who I really am?
Love & connection starts with ourselves. Then of course we want to connect with other people. Being yourself may lower your chances of having a lot of friends, and being yourself will, I believe, increase your chances of having good quality friends.
Having a lot of friends being someone you’re not, or having more quality friends being yourself. Which one would you like?
Is it hard to just be yourself? Yes and no.
You will experience some backlash from people who also believe that there’s something wrong with who they really are inside. So out of “caring”, they basically communicate to you to not be yourself. To be someone different in order to be a “somebody”.
What’s the solution?
You don’t need to be anybody. You get to be whoever you naturally are. THAT’s where you feel the real self-esteem.
What do I do with these people?
You don’t have to have these people in your life. A lot of people abandon themselves rather than cutting ties with certain people. Is that ever worth it? You may think you’re connecting with at least SOMEONE, but are you really when neither of you are not really being yourselves?
Another option is to change the dynamic of the relationship. If it doesn’t feel like a good idea to remove them from your life, just don’t hang around them as often, or keep conversations at a minimum and on the surface. You’re in control here.
Will I still be successful if I’m not trying to be and do better?
Succeeding out of a need for significance may help you achieve, but most likely not long-term, at the deep level you want, and also at a cost.
Think about the fuel that you’re using. Using significance as fuel burns fast, so you could burn out quicker. It’s basically not a sustainable fuel source. You may also get to the point where you realize that you’re not actually feeling the self-esteem and love & connection that you want, and may then even ask yourself “what am I even doing all this for?”
Succeeding out of significance also only gets you to a certain level. Why? Because it’s self-serving. Doing something that’s self-serving allows you to see only a certain level. Your depth perception is basically cut short because it only revolves around you.
And the cost? Do we even have to list the potential mental, emotional, and physical health problems you can have from pushing and pushing and never getting what you truly want? Not to mention never feeling the self-esteem that you’re working so hard at getting.
Succeeding is great when it comes out of love & connection. Basically when it comes out of who you really are. And in fact, you may even succeed MORE than before because you LOVE what you do. You may also be doing it for yourself AND the people you care about which can increase your chances of succeeding MORE!
And most importantly, you get to finally feel the self-esteem that’s naturally inside of you.
In conclusion
I often say “the only thing wrong with you is that you THINK there’s something wrong with you”. Naturally you’re not great or perfect or special or any of that stuff. You’re just you and all of us have something to offer.
What do you think?
About the author: Giovanni Maccarrone from Inspire Yourself Life Coaching
Giovanni Maccarrone helps his clients with self-esteem, confidence, and the real motivation that’s naturally inside of them by helping them get back to who they truly are inside. You can get in touch with him through his website, Inspire Yourself Life Coaching or through his instagram, Tiktok, or Youtube.
